Baby, It's Cold Outside (Romance From a Male POV) (Fire & Ice) Read online

  “I didn’t get the chance to ask her, Elisa. She was in the hospital and she’s still concussed. I’m waiting until she feels better.”

  “Oh right. Of course. Just tell her to call me when she feels better, okay?”

  “Sure. I’ll give her the message.” Over my dead body. “I’ll see you at work.”

  “Okay, bye!” She sounded upbeat when she rang off but I felt sick. She had told Justine. No matter how she tried to dance around it, I knew in my gut she had told. What did that mean? Oh my god, was that why Justine was so on edge on Friday night? Did the thought of me asking her to marry me make her sick with nerves?

  I stood there holding the phone for a minute before I realized that it was my chance to delete the voicemails from Elisa. I felt a momentary twinge of guilt for invading Justine’s privacy, but my own self-preservation instincts were tantamount. The only message was from Elisa, asking how the proposal went. I fucking knew it. I deleted the message and made a mental note to never invite her back into our home. She couldn’t be trusted.

  When I set the phone down I couldn’t stop my thoughts from whirling. Justine knew I was going to propose. That in itself wasn’t that bad. She had to know on some level that we were headed that way. My worry was her amnesia. Did my imminent proposal have something to do with her blocking out essentially our entire relationship? My stomach churned the more I realized that it was all connected.

  I couldn’t help the guilt that flooded me, but as I stood beside the island feeling bad a little spark of something that felt like anger crawled up my spine. She didn’t want to marry me so much that she had to block out our relationship? What the hell did that say about us as a couple? I tried to tamp down my anger before it got the better of me. I wasn’t sure that that’s what had happened; I was working on supposition and I couldn’t let my mind make more of this than it was. Her amnesia might just be from hitting her head.

  I decided to make some popcorn for the movie. I had promised Justine a relaxing evening and I was going to deliver. I threw a bag of popcorn into the microwave and pulled out a fresh bag of kisses from Justine’s chocolate stash. She preferred to snack on chocolate when she watched movies. Justine was surely about to be finished with her bath, and if she wasn’t I was going to go get her.

  My stomach was tight with nerves. Suddenly my “perfect” relationship seemed shaky and that thought made me both sad and incensed. I reached up for a bowl and banged it down on the countertop when Justine’s voice broke into my thoughts.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Not a thing. Did you have a nice bath?” I smiled at her even though I was itching to get to the bottom of things.

  “It was great. Do you want me to get the drinks?”

  I used my elbow to point to the counter where the glasses of tea were waiting. “Got it covered.”

  When the microwave beeped I pulled out the bag and dumped it into the bowl. “Shall we?” I grabbed the bag of kisses in one hand and the bowl in the other and headed for the bedroom without waiting for her answer.

  “Here.” Juss held out the remote.

  “Where did you find it?”

  She turned bright red immediately, so I knew she had been in the sex drawer.

  “Uh, it must have fallen behind the table.” I raised my eyebrow at her, challenging her to tell me the truth. “Oh shut up.” Even angry I couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped me. She was so easy.

  A minute later we were settled on the bed.

  “Did we watch this on out first date or something?”

  “No, I didn’t feel like watching cable on the couch.” My voice came out a little sharper than I had intended, and I felt bad when she came back with a quiet, “Oh.”

  The movie started but I just couldn’t concentrate. The more I thought about it the more I came to the realization that Justine had blocked me out on purpose. I could feel my tension level rising every minute that ticked by, and I wanted to get up out of the bed and away from her so that I could think.

  Chapter Twenty

  “What the hell is your problem, Carter?” Her voice broke into my ruminations.

  “I don’t have a problem.” That was true. I didn’t have a problem right now, I had several.

  “What’s that supposed to mean? I’m not the one who’s been sitting here silent and broody for the last half hour. I’m not the one who’s been ignoring the person sitting beside me.”

  I wasn’t going to dignify her comments with a reply. I felt like the injured party in this entire fiasco. I knew on an intellectual level that it might be unfair to her and her condition, but I had to go with my feelings right now.

  “Hey, I’m talking to you.” She was sounding meaner and it was only ratcheting up the outrage in my head. I needed to get out of here before I opened my mouth and said something she wasn’t ready to hear. I knew that would only make everything worse so I got up and walked towards the door.

  “Where are you going?”

  “I need something to drink.” I didn’t really unless you counted something alcoholic, but I wasn’t going to go down that path right now. I needed to sort out my feelings and that would be impossible if I were to drown my sorrows.

  I walked out of the room without another word and made my way to the kitchen. It was usually one of my favorite rooms of the house. The hub of our house, really. I looked over at the notes on the refrigerator and sighed. The recipes Justine had jotted down last week when everything was normal seemed like a joke now. A joke on me. While I was obliviously and hopefully planning our future, she probably wasn’t thinking past her next blog update. The kitchen now seemed to be smothering me. I opened the back door and stepped out. The patio stones were ice cold on my bare feet, but the air itself was just perfect. The cold snap from yesterday had left the air moist and brisk and it felt good to breathe deep and fill my lungs with the clean night air.

  Now what? I wasn’t used to second guessing myself. Usually, I decided on what I wanted and applied myself towards the eventual achievement of my goal. This whole situation with Justine flew in the face of everything I was used to doing. No amount of working was going to make Justine ready to marry me. If her brain took the path of amnesia to avoid the marriage question I was in deep trouble.

  I walked over to the table and sat down. Lucy came bounding through the doggy door a second later and made a beeline for the back fence. I watched her sniff around and envied her simple existence. She didn’t know how easy she had it. She didn’t have to worry about anything except finishing her food and where to pee. Well, I’m sure right about now she was also worried about Monique and keeping out of her way, but since I had that same worry currently, that didn’t count.

  I looked up but the clouds were so thick I couldn’t see any stars or the moon. How depressing. I needed a positive signal from the universe that everything was going to be all right, but all I was getting was coldness and gloom. I refused to take that as a sign. Lucy ambled up to me then and jumped up on my lap. At least she loved me unconditionally. I stroked her head and let myself feel hard done by.

  I knew Justine loved me. I wasn’t worried about that at all. Even with the amnesia she remembered that. I guess there was a gleam of hope in that. She might have been freaked out about the conversation with Elisa, but maybe it was a good kind of nerves. Maybe she was so looking forward to me proposing that she was all wound up Friday night. I gave myself a moment to feel good before I let the reality of her amnesia filter back in. Brains don’t try to block out the good stuff, typically. I let my mood sink back down to where it had been when I stepped outside in the first place.

  “Aaaaiiiigh!” Justine’s scream broke through the quiet night and I barely managed to set Lucy down before tearing into the house to see what had happened. I saw her at the doorway of the laundry room the moment I pushed open the back door and was behind her in a second.

  “What happened?” I pulled the door closed as soon as she backed out enough to clear the doorjamb. She
had ventured into cat territory so I assumed Monique had been the cause of her scream.

  “That fucking cat attacked me!” She said it like it was some kind of surprise occurrence. Where was she an hour ago while Monique was riding my head like a barnacle?

  A second later she kicked her foot into the wall with a gasp. “Ugh. Omigod.” She started hopping around and chanting so I grabbed her arms to keep her upright.

  “Hang on. Let’s go into the kitchen where we can get some better light.” I led her to the island and flipped on the lights along the way. She sat on the stool and propped her foot up.

  “How bad is it?” she croaked when I leaned over to assess the damage.

  “She didn’t break the skin.” She did have a long raised scratch across the top of her foot, but luckily no blood.

  “What?” She obviously didn’t believe me because she turned her foot to see for herself. She looked up at me incredulously and I gave her the facial equivalent of a shrug.

  “How’s your head?” she asked me suddenly.

  “Okay. How’s yours?” It was a little bit funny how we were both suffering from head injuries, but unlike her condition, mine wasn’t causing her emotional distress.

  “I’m feeling pretty good. Are you talking to me now?”

  “I was never not talking to you.” That was the truth. I answered her when she asked me a question earlier. I wasn’t ignoring her.

  “Yes, I could tell because of all the scintillating conversation I’ve gotten since I got out of the tub.” I didn’t have a comeback for that so I just shook my head.

  “Damn it, Carter. What is wrong? Just tell me, okay. What did I do?”

  Unfortunately, I couldn’t come out and ask her why she didn’t want to marry me. She was still consciously unaware of what I believe happened on Friday. I couldn’t stop myself from asking her the question that was behind everything, though.

  “What’s so wrong with me?” I felt like a whiny girl as soon as the words escaped my lips, but they were out there now and I wanted answers.

  “What do you mean?” She looked honestly confused, so I repeated the question slower.

  “What is wrong with me?” The words came out a bit harsher than I had intended but they mirrored my feelings so I didn’t feel that bad about it.

  She shook her head. Maybe I was being too vague. I would ask her about every facet of our relationship until she gave me a solid answer.

  “Do you still have a problem with my age?” I went with the most obvious question first seeing as how it had come up a few hours ago.

  She shook her head again. “What did I do? If you are upset about something just spill it, I’m not going to play a guessing game with you.”

  “I just got off of the phone with Elisa. Now everything is clear to me. I’m never going to be what…” What was I doing? I shook my head. “Nothing. It’s nothing. Forget it. Let’s go finish the movie.”

  “Are you for real? Do you think I’m just going to go watch TV with you without you telling me what’s happened? This is Cheryl’s rehearsal dinner all over. When are you going to understand that you don’t have to keep things from me? I’m a big girl. I can handle a little anger, especially if I deserve it.”

  “You remember Cheryl’s rehearsal dinner?” Wow, the memories were really coming back fast today.

  “Well duh, you spent the whole time ignoring me because you were mad that I was joking about being your sugar mama. You didn’t even bother to tell me why you were angry until we were at home. It almost ruined Cheryl’s party. You might be a mind reader but I’m not, Carter. If you don’t tell me what’s bothering you, how can I fix it?”

  I felt slightly ashamed at the mention of Cheryl’s rehearsal dinner. I had acted just as childishly as I had accused Justine of making me sound. I had pouted around for the whole evening until even my mother pulled me aside and told me to quit behaving like a jackass. The fight Justine and I had when we had gotten home had been epic. I guess I still had some issues with her initial reluctance to date me because I was younger. Go figure.

  “Oh. Yeah, I remember.” She said it as if she just realized she had some new memories. “What? Does this have something to do with Cheryl’s party?”

  In that second I realized that I was being a jackass again. What the fuck was my problem? I was mad at her about something I wasn’t even sure had happened. I was beyond a jackass. Until she got her memory back and I officially asked her to marry me there wasn’t any reason for me to believe she would say no. Hell no, she would almost surely tell me yes. I knew my girl better than anyone. She loved the crap out of me.

  “No. It doesn’t have anything to do with anything. I’m sorry; this is just an off night for me.” I reached out and grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze. An instant later she jerked it out of my hand so that she could gesticulate.

  “Dang it. You get me all riled up and now you’re fine? How are you able to go from hot to cold in an instant? How can we spend the rest of our lives together when you can’t even tell me what’s bothering you at any given time? This is my life, too. Don’t bottle things up. Don’t be such a man.”

  “Sorry, but I am a man. You’re right though, I’ll try to be more open.” Her eyes widened after my declaration but she seemed to be looking right through me. “What is it?”

  She shook her head at me as her only answer, and my heart chilled at the look on her face. Whatever she was thinking about, it wasn’t good.

  Chapter Twenty One

  I watched Justine’s face move from panic to something else, relief maybe, in the space of a few seconds. The next thing I knew she was pulling me into a tight hug. I didn’t know what was going on, but I went with it. It felt good that Justine was initiating affection. I no sooner put my arms around her when she pulled her head back with a huge smile. I smiled down at her and the next breath saw her eyes widen and her face crash back to my chest. What the hell was going on with her? She was wavering between emotions like a crazy person.

  I tightened my hold and took a deep breath of her hair. It was a comforting smell and I had a weird feeling that I was about to need some major comforting. I felt Justine’s heart beating wildly as her breaths started coming out in pants so I took her shoulders and pushed her far enough away that I could see her.

  “What’s the matter? Your heart is pounding like a rabbit. Jesus, you’re white as a sheet. Take a breath and tell me what’s wrong with you.” My heart clenched before I could stop it and I waited impatiently for an answer.

  “Nothing’s the matter. It’s just been a long day and I started feeling a panic attack coming on, but I’m okay now. Thanks.” I was able to breathe a little easier when she explained herself, but that didn’t stop me from worrying. Her attacks were frightening to watch. I knew in my brain what was happening, but watching her gasp and shake was hard to take.

  I started to rub her back soothingly. “It’ll be okay, love. Just breathe, I’m here with you. Do you need a cool cloth?” I was ready to drag her out into the chilled night air to help snap her out of it, but she shook her head against me.

  “I’m fine now. Really. I’m just going to take some aspirin.” I released her and she walked over to the cabinet, pulling out the bottle of pain relievers. I stood where I was, wondering why I was so filled with foreboding. I never claimed to have some special sixth sense, but I couldn’t escape the feeling that something strange was on the horizon. It wasn’t necessarily bad, but it didn’t feel good, either. I watched as Justine popped the top of the pills and they went flying in every direction. She immediately dropped to the floor to scoop them up so I walked over to help.

  I could see her hands shaking so I stopped her in mid swipe. “Stop and tell me what’s wrong. Please.” This felt eerily like Friday night, but worse. She was all wound up without any explanation.

  “I promise I’m okay. I just have a headache and my foot still stings. Do you mind if I go lie down for a little while?”

  “Sure. You go
on and I’ll be in a bit.” She tried grabbing some more tablets off the floor. “No. I’ll get these.” She nodded and stood up so I continued sweeping them up with my hand. Lucy would eat anything on the floor in a second.

  Justine walked out and I watched her giving the finger to the laundry room area. I smiled and opened the cabinet under the sink to get the hand broom and dustpan. I made quick work of the floor and tossed the pills, then gathered up the ones on the countertop and dropped them back in the bottle. Now what? I could tell that Justine wanted to be by herself, and I was cool with that, but there were things I needed to know. Mainly, I wanted to know what had just caused her little freak-out. She wasn’t good at hiding things which sucked for her but was great for me. I was dying to know what she was thinking.

  I walked into the living room with Lucy on my heels and sat down in the dark. I was already thinking about tomorrow and what I could recreate to help Justine’s memory. The most obvious thing, I guess, would be the first time we had sex. It was fast and rough, and it would be just the thing to shock her into the present. At least that’s what I was hoping for. The sex earlier seemed to make her remember that she loved me, and I wanted her to remember the big stuff. I looked at the kitchen island from my spot on the couch and felt my dick turn to steel. All I could think of was leaning her over the island and slamming into her like a Mack truck. That was one of the hottest experiences in my life. Whew, if that didn’t make her remember then at least we could have a good time trying.

  What the hell? That sounded like something geared more for me than for Juss. I felt a twinge of guilt. I should be trying to think up romantic encounters from our past, not reenacting sex, regardless of how fucktastic it was. I stood up and adjusted myself, thinking about Monique to make my erection deflate. Okay, that was better, I needed to go check on Justine and make sure her panic attack hadn’t materialized, and I didn’t need to be sporting wood while I did it.