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  I was shaking my head when Carter interjected. “She has some kind of amnesia. She thinks it’s 2010. She doesn’t remember her website or last night or me.” Carter looked defeated and said that last sentence in a low tone I could barely hear.

  “Amnesia? Oh my god! What do you last remember?” Cheryl’s eyes had widened outrageously. “You don’t remember your site? Oh my god, that’s your life! You don’t remember Carter? You live with him. How many fingers am I holding up?” Cheryl thrust three fingers at my face.

  “Cheryl, I’m not blind, I just can’t remember some stuff right now.” I scrunched back on the bed and Cheryl withdrew her hand.

  “This is really freaky, Juss. How can you not remember Carter? You spend practically every free moment with him.” That made me squirm in my bed. It didn’t seem right to be talking about this with Cheryl. I felt embarrassed to be connected with her younger brother. I mutely shook my head again.

  “Carter, can I have a minute alone with your sister?” He nodded and left the room.

  “Cheryl, I’m losing it right now. I’m not dating your brother, there has to be some mistake. I can’t process the fact that I am missing two years of my life. What is going on? Carter said I don’t work at the restaurant anymore. Why would I quit? Help me! I don’t know what to do.” All my words were running together as I poured my heart out to Cheryl. Cheryl with longer hair. Oh god, oh god, I needed a Xanax. I could feel my panic attack coming on in earnest now. There was going to be no stopping it. My chest was pounding and I was gasping for air.

  “Oh shit. Hold on, Juss.” She pressed a button on the railing of my bed. “Could someone please come in here? I think Justine is having an anxiety attack.”

  “Someone will be right in.” The disembodied voice came from a tiny box next to the button. I noticed this through the haze of my terror. It felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. I’m having a heart attack. Thank goodness I was in a hospital.

  The door burst open and a nurse wearing flowered scrubs came into my room. She walked up to my bed and checked something beside me. It was some kind of monitor connected to my arm and finger and I hadn’t even noticed it before.

  “Take a deep breath and try to calm down. The doctor will be with you in just a moment.” She messed with something and wrote something down on my chart.

  “I really need a Xanax. I have some in my purse.”

  “I’m sorry, Justine, you can’t have any medications until I know what’s going on with your brain.” The doctor from earlier walked in while answering my plea. “You’re just having some anxiety right now, no one could blame you. You’ve had a huge shock. Just try to relax and we’ll get you fixed up in no time.”

  Easier said than done, but I tried to get a hold on my breathing. It was the only thing I could manage right now. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. It didn’t help my heart rate, but at least I felt a tiny bit more in control. A minute later I felt a cool wetness across my face and I opened my eyes. Carter had come back in and was holding the towel. He then stuck it behind my neck and I felt a little better almost at once.

  “Thank you.” I reached up to touch the towel and met Carter’s fingers. They were cold. “Thank you,” I repeated while looking up at him. It felt strange but also somehow familiar. At this point I would take familiarity wherever I could get it.

  Chapter Two

  After I got over my panic attack, I didn’t have a moment to myself to think. Before I could even get my bearings, an orderly came in with another wheelchair to take me for testing. I don’t know why they had to wheel me there, I could walk perfectly fine. I walked from the bed to the chair with no mishap, anyway.

  I was hoping that I would have some kind of breakthrough while I was in the CT scanning machine. I didn’t. Nothing was clear to me. I know I have a Chihuahua named Lucy. I got her as soon as I graduated from culinary school. She was a rescue, so I didn’t know how old she was, but earlier Cheryl said she stopped by my house and fed her, so at least I knew she’s doing okay. Cheryl said she fed someone else, but I was so freaked out by that time that I didn’t question her and now she wasn’t here. Maybe I got another dog or possibly a cat. I always felt guilty leaving Lucy alone for such long shifts at the restaurant. But evidently I don’t work at Heavenly Vegetables anymore, so I didn’t have a clue.

  I was relieved when I got back to the room and found it empty. I wasn’t ready to deal with what I had learned today. Dr. Turner said I was suffering from retrograde amnesia. He wasn’t sure why I couldn’t remember the last two years. I wondered the same thing. Did something happen that was so awful my mind was blocking it out? If so, it’s got to be really bad. It probably had to do with Carter. That’s what made the most sense to me.

  Now that everything was quiet, I could think about Carter. Okay, he looks good, that’s obvious. His eyes are the same dark green as Cheryl’s (I was so jealous), plus he’s tall and built like a swimmer. His black hair is a little long, but he dressed a lot better than I do, at least from what I can remember about him. That was the big problem. I don’t really know. I mean, I only know him as Cheryl’s brother. Of course we’ve hung out lots of times, but Cheryl was always there. I couldn’t think of a single time that Carter and I had spent any time alone.

  Cheryl’s been my best friend since freshman year of college when we lived across the hall from each other in the same dorm. We gravitated towards each other since we each had roommates we didn’t get along with. Well, Cheryl didn’t get along with her roommate. My roommate was a psycho and I tried to avoid spending time in my room while she was awake. Cheryl and I moved into one of her parents’ rental houses our junior year, and the rest was history. We lived together with her boyfriend Paulo until a few years ago when I bought my fixer-upper on the East Side.

  Hmm. I guess it’s been like five years now. I didn’t want to think about that. I don’t know the person I’m supposed to be now. On the plus side, I don’t seem to have aged much. I know because when I went to the bathroom earlier I looked hard at myself. I was shocked at first; my hair was so dark it was almost black. The last time I remember dyeing it, it was red. I was happy to see that my bangs, a horrible error in judgment, had finally grown out. I was also more pale than usual so my dark eyes stood out, but all in all I was relieved to see I looked pretty much the same.

  But back to Carter. I didn’t know what to feel. He wasn’t here when I got back to my room and I was happy for the reprieve. I had no clue what to do there. I don’t love him in a romantic way. He’s great-he’s Cheryl’s brother. I’ve known him for years and he’s fun to be around and everything, but we were never intimate. Sure, he grew up to be hot as hell and he’s also quite possibly the most polite and gentlemanly person I’ve ever met next to Cheryl’s dad, Robert, but he’s still Cheryl’s little brother. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that we were a couple. Too weird.

  This was all too strange. I didn’t even know what’s in my refrigerator right now. A simple thing really, but it’s a big deal if you can’t remember. At least for me. I don’t like change. I need to know what’s what all the time. I realize it probably had something to do with the chaotic way I was raised. I didn’t even need therapy to understand that. But right now I felt like my world had been turned upside down. That’s why I couldn’t bring myself to believe I was involved with Carter. How could he go from being Cheryl’s little brother to my boyfriend? Was that even the right term? Is it live-in lover? No, I don’t like the sound of that. Anyway, the point is that he’s four years younger than me. He’s only twenty three; I know because I made the food for his birthday party a few months back. I’m almost twenty eight. Wait, I was almost twenty eight two years ago. I’m twenty nine now. No, it’s September and my birthday is in August, I’m thirty. The big 3-0.

  I’ve got to stop thinking. It’s wasn’t helping, it’s only made my chest tight. I want to go to sleep and wake up and have everything be normal.

  I don’t know ho
w long I had been staring at the ceiling before the door opened and the nurse from earlier came back in. She smiled and walked over to the machine at the side of my bed. She nodded as she jotted down something then turned to me.

  “Are you feeling okay?” Hmm. Physically, I guess I felt all right. My stomach growled. When did I eat last?

  “Yeah. I’m pretty hungry, though. Can I get something to eat?”

  “Yes.” She looked down at her watch. “The lunch cart should be around shortly,” she answered and went to a chair over by the door with a newspaper sitting on it. I hadn’t noticed it before or I would have already looked through it. “It’s from yesterday, but at least you’ll be able to get some current information from it.” She handed me the paper and I pored over the headlines.

  Nothing good stared back at me. We’re still in a recession, still in Afghanistan. Everything looked about the same.

  I scanned the top of the paper. Yep, September 28, 2012. I flopped back on the pillow and closed my eyes. I just wanted to rest my brain. I’m totally not ready to deal with this yet. A few seconds later I heard the rattle of the lunch cart down the hall and the click of my door, sleep would have to wait.

  “Honey, are you feeling better?” It was my mother, not my lunch. I braced myself for any possible surprises before I opened my eyes.

  “Yeah Mom, I’m feeling a lot better. Thanks for coming.” She had added some blonde highlights to her hair since I had seen her last but I didn’t notice anything drastic.

  “Well, Carter called and told me you had an accident so I just hopped in the car and got on the road. You look okay, though, besides the bruise on the side of your face.” She sounded almost disappointed that I wasn’t wrapped in bandages and in traction.

  “I am having a bit of a problem. Evidently, I’ve got some sort of amnesia.”

  She looked at me like I was kidding at first. A second later she looked aghast. “Amnesia, what do you mean? You know who I am. What have you forgotten?”

  “The last two years, apparently. I don’t remember anything after 2010.”

  She just sat there with a strange look on her face as I struggled to find something to say. We didn’t have some bosom buddy type relationship like some mothers and daughters do. We pretty much left each other alone until the holidays or some crisis. Well, here’s a crisis. Crap. Unfortunately, she just didn’t have it in her to make me feel better. Thankfully, I heard the cart stop outside the door. An orderly (well, I guess he was an orderly, he didn’t look old enough to have gone through any kind of medical training) poked his head in.

  He smiled at me and he looked so hilarious in his hairnet that I couldn’t resist grinning back at him. “You didn’t fill out your lunch card this morning. Do you want meatloaf or the broiled cod?”

  I preferred not to eat meat, but I wasn’t a strict vegetarian. “Cod, please.” He went to the cart and brought over a tray that had a dish covered with a plastic dome, a little milk carton like you get in elementary school, and a pudding cup. Wow, they go all out at Austin General.

  “Thanks.” He left and I started in on my food so that I didn’t have to speak to my mother. It was surprisingly good.

  “So I guess you don’t remember that I got divorced from Bill last year, huh?” Oh yeah, my mom was still sitting in the chair. I looked up at this new revelation.

  “You divorced Bill? Why?” Bill was actually a good guy. This hit me out of left field. I took another bite of my carrots; they needed seasoning. As I waited for my mother to answer me I ripped open the tiny salt packet and it spilled over the entire plate. Dang it.

  “I just got tired of all the boredom. He never wanted to go out and do anything. He wanted to stay home and work in the yard.” She said it like it was a crime. Poor Bill was on the road for years as a medical device salesman and finally, when he gets a chance to be at home, my mother dumps him?

  I threw my arm over my eyes. I really couldn’t deal with this right now. Why had Carter called her? Things must have seemed pretty dire this morning.

  “Hi there, Carter. It’s nice to see you again.” Mom’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts. I moved my arm so that I could see him. The door was still open from the lunch delivery so I hadn’t heard him come in. My stomach flipped over. Wow, I hadn’t felt the butterflies since high school.

  “Hello Gloria. How was your drive?” He leaned down and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He was only being polite but it grated on my nerves. I didn’t even realize they knew each other.

  “It was long. They’re working on the highway again. I just want to relax and get something to eat.” She looked over at my lunch and scrunched up her nose. Uh, I’m lying over here in a hospital bed suffering from some kind of head trauma. I hated the way she tried to make everything about herself.

  Carter walked past her and up to me. “Any change?” he asked me hopefully.

  “No.” His face fell and I felt a little guilty for not remembering what he obviously wanted me to. It still felt strange, but I felt more comfortable with Carter than with my own mother. How screwed up is that?

  “It’ll come.” He squeezed my hand and I looked down. I didn’t want to see the disappointment that I couldn’t do anything about.

  “Carter, what have you been up to?” my mother asked. I must have made some kind of face because he squeezed my hand again.

  “I’m sorry,” he mouthed silently before he turned to my mother. “Work’s been busy and Justine’s cookbook is coming along great.” He looked over at me.

  I shook my head. Sorry, still don’t recall anything about it. I wanted to ask him questions about us, about me, but I didn’t want to do that in front of my mother. I was about to suggest she go down to the cafeteria when Cheryl’s dad walked in.

  “Justine, how are you feeling this morning? Dr. Turner filled me in on your problem.” He walked around to the other side of my bed so I turned my attention to him.

  I didn’t know how to answer him. I was feeling lost. I was feeling scared. Did he want the truth? “Fine,” I lied.

  He looked into my eyes. “You’re looking better than last night. Give it time.” My throat felt thick and my eyes started to tear up. Robert patted my hand and exchanged a look with Carter, before turning to Mom.

  “Gloria, it’s a pleasure to see you again. I was going to have a cup of coffee, would you care to join me?” It was like Robert could read my mind.

  “That would be great. I was just telling Carter I could use a bite to eat.” She got up and grabbed her huge purse which was on the floor beside her. “I’ll be back in a little while, Justine.”

  I smiled and lifted my hand in a weak wave and she and Robert left the room.

  “I’m sorry about that. I was so worried about you this morning that I felt I had to call her. She is your mother.”

  “It’s okay; you couldn’t know how she would be.”

  “Well, yes, I did, but I called her anyway.” He shook his head ruefully. “Maybe Dad will keep her busy.” He stood there in silence for a moment and I forced myself to speak.

  “Can I ask you something?” He nodded. “Do I have a cat?”

  “No.” He didn’t say anything else; he just looked at me like I had a head injury.

  “Carter, I need to ask you something else.” I gathered up my courage.

  “Anything.”

  “Do I love you?” He looked as if I slapped him.

  “Yes.” It was barely a whisper. My throat constricted. I knew he would say that, but it seemed like it was physically hurting him. I wanted to comfort him, and apologize for not loving him now, but I couldn’t say anything. I felt frozen. I was terrified. I swallowed around the lump in my throat.

  “Yes, you love me, and I love you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.” I could hear the conviction in his voice, so I knew that he was telling me the truth, but I wasn’t feeling it in my heart.

  Chapter Three

  Carter left when my mother came back. I was confli
cted. On the one hand I needed time to myself to come to terms with my situation, to try to remember something. On the other hand, I felt like asking him to stay with me. Of course I didn’t because, in truth, I didn’t have much to say to him. I wanted to ask him questions, but Cheryl was the better choice to fill me in.

  Anyway, he left me with my mother and she didn’t have anything helpful to offer me. She knew nothing about my day to day life. She did know that I live with Carter, though, and that didn’t seem fair. She hardly knows anything about me but she still knows more than I do.

  She sat with me for about an hour; until I told her I was okay, and that she should go on home, back to Waco. I felt a little bad that she had driven all this way, but I got over it when she started talking about her vacation to Orlando last summer. Really, I just didn’t care, especially right now. She wasn’t giving me anything to work with concerning my life. It wasn’t like I was at Disneyworld with her and would remember something.

  Shortly after she left, Dr. Turner came in and told me that I could go home tomorrow as long as I wasn’t getting dizzy or anything. I was happy and petrified in equal measure. Sure, I wanted to leave the hospital, who wants to be here? Alas, I wasn’t ready to go home and face—I don’t know what.

  After my freakishly early dinner tray was finished, Cheryl showed up. I felt like it had been forever since I had seen her, but it was really just this morning. I needed to be around someone familiar, someone who I recognized as being a part of my life.

  “Hey girl,” she sang as she strolled in with a purple duffle bag over her shoulder. “I brought you some pajamas and your toothbrush and stuff.”

  Ah, wonderful Cheryl, thinking about things I hadn’t even given a thought to. Now I could brush my teeth and get out of this super thin hospital gown. I smiled as I opened the bag but it quickly faded as I stared at the contents in confusion. I didn’t recognize any of the items in there. I pulled out the toiletry bag and unzipped it. I didn’t even recognize my toothbrush. I was pretty sure that my toothbrush was one of those spin brushes from the grocery store, but this one was some kind of high tech device that I couldn’t see myself buying. There was also a lotion I wasn’t familiar with. I was happy to see that I still used Colgate and Secret, but that was pretty much it.